Infertile Ramblings About Expectations and Being Left Behind

  Lately my feelings about infertility have been so strange.  As what would have been my due date approached, I was at home in MS enjoying my family and friends as well as some awesome food and hospitality, so I didn't dwell on it much, though it hung out in a corner of my mind and crept in sometimes when I was going to bed or holding someone else's baby and wondering what it would be like if it could have been my own for once.  Especially when it should have been.  But the morning of the 23rd was rough, and it kind of came crashing down after finding out one of my blood tests had been screwed up and would have to be redone and that my flight home was going to be delayed.  I had a good cry, took some homeopathic calming tablets and some for grief, and eventually pulled it together and put it out of my mind as much as possible for the plane ride home.

   I've heard that the passing of the due date tends to make it a smidge easier for those who have lost babies.  I hoped it was true, but certainly didn't expect it.  Since I'm having a laparoscopy/hysteroscopy/SHSG this cycle, we are supposed to avoid, and for the first few days after my due date passed, I had thoughts about how maybe it's better that we don't have kids and maybe I don't want that anymore.  I thought maybe the due date magic was happening, but then I'd see a commercial of a kid with his dad, and it would hurt my heart to think about never seeing my husband get to play that role of daddy.  Then tonight I found out about yet another pregnant-in-a couple-tries person, and it just hit me how much I feel like not only am I sitting here with empty arms and an empty uterus, I just feel totally left in the dust.

  I have very few close friends left that don't have babies and are preventing right now, but soon, they'll be trying, too.  While I'd never wish infertility on them, it still hurts to feel deep down that I'll be holding their first babies before my own.  I know our feelings can change so drastically from even one moment to the next when it comes to infertility, but right now, I just feel as if I shouldn't expect anything else.  I feel like if I had all gay male friends they would somehow manage to become pregnant before me.  And if anyone is reading that isn't infertile, don't get me wrong.  It isn't a contest of who can have a baby first.  It's just a painful reminder when month after month turns to year after year of welcoming other people's babies while you can't have your own.  When you've had to say goodbye to yours after one short month of being so ridiculously careful, it's hard to watch others get to enjoy their pregnancies without a care in the world.  I'd never want anyone to have to worry like I did or to end up in an ultrasound room alone and devastated.  I just don't want to feel like I'll never have that exciting, carefree experience that comes with being naive, and I feel robbed and hurt by that.  In the end, I know that all the really matters is if I get a healthy baby.  I've seen many of my previously infertile "cyber" friends have difficult pregnancies with lots of worry, but I know that when they get through it and get to hold their sweet babies, they won't be nearly as concerned with how they got to that point.  I know that if I do finally have my own baby, all of these struggles will be worth it.  I just wish I could look into the future and find out if there is ever going to be any baby to make this all worth it.  I wonder if I'll be as happy even if I can't really "enjoy" pregnancy or if I no longer live near my close group of friends and have no friends or family nearby to share it with or if the timing works out that Matt will be gone for the birth.  I wonder if I'm going to be disappointed if things don't go as well for me as they have for my friends when I feel that I've "done my time" and really "earned" a happy, healthy pregnancy.  I wish things worked like that, but there is no scorekeeper that gives extra points for time spent trying that you can cash in for less weight gain or good timing of the birth.  There is no goalie to stop people who should NOT have kids from having them.  It's just so hard to let go of my expectations and of control.  Even though it's been proven to me time and again that neither of them are going to get me where I'm trying to go.

  Is it time for my NaPro surgeries yet?  I'm ready to hurry up and wait some more.