Heads up: This is going to be a downer of a post. Sorry. It's my birthday, and I'll bring you down if I want to. Not really. Tomorrow's my birthday, and that's why I'm sad. I don't feel like celebrating this year at all. I have no baby, I'm not close to having a baby like I should be at this point, I've gained a stupid amount of weight, and I generally just feel old and worthless. I went shopping today to prepare for my trip home, and I wish I could pretend that the mirrors in the dressing room were designed to make people look fatter, because that is what it felt like. Nothing fit, and it was so upsetting, because despite eating healthier than ever before and recently running the longest distance I have since I was 19 (which is still not much, but better than nothing), I'm almost 30 pounds heavier than my lowest weight. The problem is that that the lower weight was only attainable through the use of diet pills and calorie restriction (which was a breeze with the diet pills). And since I'm TTC for apparently the rest of my life, I can't take them. (I know I shouldn't anyway, but we all have our vices, and it makes me happy to be under 150 pounds.) I want to just be happy with my body and be accepting of it, but it's been a challenge today - and lots of other days lately. Also, since I had to stop taking my herbs so that we could do an in depth hormone panel throughout this cycle, my skin has been breaking out again, which is great.
My poor husband came home a few minutes ago and asked me what I wanted to do for my birthday, and I just burst into tears. Then I spent about 15 minutes crying to him about how I have nothing to show for my life since I was 27 and we'd started TTC and how I feel like we're definitely not going to have more than one kid at this rate. He said that we just need to do something "real" and "serious" like his friend and his wife did. I told him they did IVF, and that we have a lot things to try before we go that route anyway, but that I'm just so scared that none of it is going to work that I'm already defeated before we've even tried anything. I just feel like I go from wanting to do whatever I have to do to eventually have a child to saying, "Screw it. I don't want one that bad." But I know the second thing is a lie. I just tell myself that sometimes to make it hurt less.
Oh, and I peed on my own foot today. That's right. I went shopping and had on a maxi dress, and as I tried to hold my dress up while squatting to pee, I lost my balance and didn't stop peeing in time. So, that was awesome. I had ordered some homeopathic tablets for grief so that I'd have something to take the edge off on my flight back here from MS since it's on my "would have been" due date, but I popped a couple of those about 30 minutes ago, and I'm still crying, so I think those were a waste.
Farra, I wish I could give you a big, huge hug in person. I honestly can say I know how this feels to have your bday and wish the world would leave you alone because none of its right and you don't know how to fix it. I wish I could say something, anything to make you feel better. I wish I could take the pain and emptiness from your heart. I am hoping you have a good bday tomorrow and while today you feel so far away from ever being a mom, I honestly feel you are on the right path and almost there. You are in my thoughts girl and I am here for you. Love you!
ReplyDeleteTruly sorry that you are feeling down when it should be the total opposite. Completely comprehend how your feeling though as my bday is creeping up as well. Cant say the excitement is there. Try to enjoy it as best as you can.
ReplyDeleteUm yes, mirror and lighting in dressing rooms DO make you look fatter. I have conducted my own scientific experiments on this matter, and I can say with 100% certainty that the flourescent lighting in there should be outlawed. It always looks better once you get home and in real life so don't let that cruel lighting in there get you down! You are beautiful! ;)
ReplyDeleteOutside of that, it just plain suck to feel all broken out and heavier than normal and just blah all at the same time. I hope you get through this rough patch with warp speed and back to feeling hopeful and optimistic about your path with Napro. Try to enjoy your birthday, knowing you are doing everything you can and the rest is out of your control. You are on the right path! You have a husband who loves you more than anything in the world right by your side and he isn't going to let you go through any of this alone!
I know it's hard having so many questions all the time about the "what if's", but I truly believe you guys will get there. I believe in my heart that we both will girlie, and I'll be here to route you on until you do! Now chin up, and smile today! Don't let infertility steal YOUR day from you. You are way too strong and beautiful to let that happen. :)