Deja Vu

     I was shocked to find out at 10dpiui that our disaster IUI had worked.  I had a good feeling about this one.  I thought that surely now that everything was sorted out with my thyroid, I was on the correct form of B vitamins, I was already taking progesterone, and I had restarted my Neupogen injections that this pregnancy was going to be the one.  I even had implantation within the "normal" window this time for me to get a positive test when I did.  So, then why am I sitting here waiting for my NaPro doctor to confirm miscarriage number 2?  Somehow, when I woke up yesterday, I had a bad feeling that it was over, and it looks like I'm probably right.  HCG only went from 148 to 150 from my third to fourth betas, so today we are just waiting for confirmation from a fifth beta that I can stop my progesterone. Why do my pregnancies start out normally with betas doubling in the normal time frame and then they are over all the sudden?  Why did my hcg have to triple the first 48 hours and get my hopes up?  What is wrong here?  Where do I even go from here?  Part of me wants answers and the other part wants to say "screw it" and just stop trying.  I'm so tired of it all.  I'm tired of all the doctors and the research and the poking and prodding.  I'm tired of getting my hopes up just to have my heart broken every year and a half.  I'm tired of wondering if all these obstacles are some kind of sign that this isn't going to happen for us and that I need to change my focus.  DH wants to just keep doing IUI until we "get a good one".  But I don't think my heart can take that.  And it's easier for him since he only has to be there to provide the sperm, so he doesn't understand the toll that constant monitoring takes.  Right now, I just want this to be over if it's over, and I want to punch something, and I want to cry without it giving me a massive headache.  I never thought I'd be here...