The morning I got the bad news that my hcg hadn't doubled, I somehow knew that news was coming even though I didn't get a call until late in the afternoon. I prayed all day for peace to accept the outcome and for God to open my heart to whatever path I should take from there. I have never forgotten that last time, I prayed so hard for God to let me keep my baby, and he didn't. I didn't want to be angry with Him this time. I didn't want to ask why He didn't answer my prayers. So, instead I prayed that He'd just be gentle with my heart rather than asking Him to step in and change nature. And this time, He came through for me. The day I got the news was awful. I did a lot of crying. Still, every day has been a little easier than the one before, and I can think about this baby and not start sobbing. Mother's Day came and went without any major meltdowns. And strangely, I feel my heart changing, and I'm grateful.
The past few days, I've been thinking back to when Matt and I had been dating for a little while and started discussing marriage and children. I had told him that I wasn't sure I wanted kids, and he said that he did. Besides the fact that I didn't really like most kids, I was afraid of loving anyone more than I love him. When people talk about their love for their kids, they often talk about how it is greater than the love they have for their spouse. At that time, and even a little still, I am afraid to love anyone more than I love Matt. There is too much to lose when you love someone that much. And now I've lost two babies, and even in the very short time I carried them, the pain of losing them was like nothing I'd felt before. I think back to the days before we were ready for babies and how I had hobbies and interests and didn't feel sick to my stomach when I heard pregnancy announcements or saw ultrasound pictures. When I had time and energy to put into things other than doctor's appointments and research and charting. I was happy. I didn't have a baby, but I was happy, because it just being the two of us was all I knew. Lately, I've been thinking that maybe I'd rather it just be the two of us. (Plus our furbabies, of course.) I feel like none of this is within my control, and I doubt we'll ever prevent, since we are certainly open to babies, but maybe it's time to just let God and nature do what they are going to do and for me to stop trying to control it. We may never have answers, we may never have children, we may suffer more miscarriages, but I don't want to live my life trying to figure out how to force an outcome. I'll be 30 in two months from today, and I am truly sad that I've spent almost 3 years seeking answers, hating my body, being sad, and wishing for something I never got. I think it may be time to live my life and let go of the TTC reigns. I know I can always change my mind, and I'll always be open to more actively trying if I'm lead to do so, but for now, I just want to be happy in the present. I have a lot to be grateful for in my life, and while I had hoped to hold those babies in my arms and keep them here with me, they are safest right where they are, and I will see them again one day.
This is such a mature and impressive outlook Farrah. I can tell that you have a sense of peace with a little break right now. And you are right, you can change your mind at any time, but if your heart is telling you to just chill, then let it be and enjoy life. 3 years is a lot to give up of yourself, and I don't blame you for wanting to just be YOU again. Maybe you can plan something fun for the big 3-0 in a couple months? You deserve something really special!
ReplyDeleteYou should be proud of yourself for handling everything with such grace. :)
This is such a beautifully honest and lovely post. I continue to wish you peace and love and that you let your heart heal…seems like you're doing just that in a very brave and graceful way. xoxo
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