Checking In

    Man!  I have really neglected the blog for a while.  It's been a chaotic couple of months, and it could be a while before that chaos turns back into normalcy.  There's a lot going on.  We moved out of CA, visited home, went to our new duty station to house hunt, started the home buying process, and then I headed back home while we wait to close on the house.  I expected to have lots of time to work and relax at home, but my time has been filled with phone calls, emails, and texts from the realtor and loan officer, signing and revising contracts, and calling lots of different people to give them my credit card number so that they can charge me for this inspection and that appraisal and what not.  In the end, if we finally own the house, it will be worth it.  We are really excited about our first house, and I am making a list of projects to keep me busy once we move in.

   I realized I didn't update after our urologist appointment.  We did have our consult with him, but it was a huge disappointment.  He seemed compassionate and interested until he realized we'd had two pregnancies, and then like so many others, he seemed to want to believe it has to be an issue with me, despite the fact the DNA fragmentation can cause repeat miscarriage.  I explained that we have not done the DNA fragmentation testing yet, because he does have a varicocele, and all the info I've read about DNA fragmentation claims that if there is a varicocele, you can bet your ass there is a good bit of DNA fragmentation.  In our opinion, there was no sense in paying $500 for a test that we already feel confident we know the answer to.  Especially since his motility and morph have been impaired from the start.  Anyway, the urologist said his varicocele is subclinical and surgery would not be indicated, and he suggested that he take supplements and we keep trying IUI, since he was surprised our first one worked.  Gee, thanks.  I'd love to just keep trying the same thing forever.  So, I did a lot of crying at that appointment and left there totally defeated.  As soon as we got home that day, I did some quick research and immediately found a study in which a higher percentage of men with subclinical varicoceles than clinical varicoceles showed increased fertility after surgery.  However, it seems that most doctors won't operate for a subclinical one according to the rest of my research.  So, I decided I'm ready to just hang it up and make peace with being childless, but DH isn't at that point, so we will be seeking a second opinion now that we are in a new place.  While it's hard at times to wrap my head around the idea of NEVER having a child, it's also brought me a sense of peace to know that I don't have to hold out hope every month.  The chances of a healthy pregnancy in our current situation are incredibly slim.  I know there are exceptions, but it's nice not to wonder and hope and be crushed every. single. month.  I'm focusing on being grateful for the good things that come with NOT having children, and pregnancy announcements don't sting quite like they used to.  I know things can change, but for now, all I can do is focus on the present and learn to be happy as it is.