True things

So, here's the deal.  I've kept my blog kind of vague in some aspects and kind of tried to let it fly under the radar, but I discovered that having this blog helps me to get out the thoughts that seem to keep popping up when I thought I'd dealt with them.  I was scared that people that I'm not close to would read my blog and judge me or get to be all smug about the things I'm going through, because unfortunately, some people want to see others struggle, because it makes them feel better about their own struggles.  Well, I'll say that if my struggles help you in any way, then I'm glad.  I finally am working on doing what I need to to make ME happy and to feel good about my CURRENT situation.  Not what I think will make me happy in a few years or what I think would make other people happy for me.  I"m working on allowing myself to accept who I am  including what I look like physically and where I am in my life.

Now that we're being real and open, I'm going to put it out there.  I have been having a hell of time trying to conceive.  It has not worked out for me yet, obviously.  I know some people have it much worse - try for much longer, suffer chemical pregnancies and miscarriages or worse, or have to go through surgeries and procedures to even give them a glimmer of a chance.  So far, I'm not at that point, but I'm at the point where I want to hide from every person who has ever offered pregnancy advice, I want to block the majority of my Facebook friends for fear of seeing another ultrasound picture or pregnancy post, I want to slap every seemingly unfit parent I know for taking such things for granted, and I want to burn the sex ed books I had growing up that made it seem like the minute I wasn't 100% protected I'd have a little of kids.  in fact, when we decided to stop preventing, Matt said that he was scared that "babies were just going to start popping out everywhere."  Little did we know, they were...just not from us.  If you've never struggled to conceive, you might not know that once you REALLY start to worry that something's wrong or you find out that something is wrong, everyone you have ever known will be pregnant.  Everyone.

There are days when I'm around screaming kids and I think, "You know...maybe I'm not ready after all."  But then I am stupid enough to get on Facebook and see nurseries and smiling babies, and I know that I would absolutely tolerate some screaming to be able to have a little one of my own.  I mean, as much as I love my dogs no matter how crazy they get, what they've destroyed, and how much money it costs to keep them healthy, I'd undoubtedly love a little human even more.  Matt says he worries about us never getting any sleep when we have a baby, and I remind him that we made it through Stig never shutting the hell up at night until he was wayyyy too old to be acting like that, and we took turns getting up with him (though Matt was sometimes just begging him to shut up), and I (get ready for this) laid by his crate and sang to him until he went back to sleep.  So, a baby...yeah, I think we got this.  It's never an easy task for anyone, and I know we'll face different challenges than we have with our dogs, obviously, but it's about knowing that you're willing to do whatever you have to for that little creature, and I feel like I'm up for that challenge.