Don't Hate.. Celebrate!

   Ok, so that title is cheesy, but too bad.  I know that my past few blog entries have been Debbie Downer status, and while I don't apologize for that, I am glad that this one is not the same. I may not feel like this in a couple weeks when I could very well be back to a new cycle with my hopes shattered again, but right now, I am feeling some really good things happening in my heart.  It's like overnight I stopped being hurt by all the pregnancy photos, announcements, ultrasounds, baby pictures, and the mob of pregnant women that show up everywhere I go.  I got on Facebook today and actually smiled as I looked over everyone's baby pictures and complaining pregnancy posts.  I was reminded yesterday by my grandma about my second cousin who is pregnant with her 5th child, and I didn't go into a full on crying pity party when I hung up the phone.  I also wasn't crying inside and wanting to rush off the phone the rest of the conversation like I have felt before when things like this happen.  I'm starting to be able to look back at some of the months that I was so upset about not being pregnant and see why it wasn't a good time.  Now I said "some" - not "all".  I can't say that there weren't some months in the past year that I didn't understand why God's timing didn't line up with what appeared to be a good time for me, but there are some in there where I can see it now.

    I never thought I'd be "one of those" women who "try" to have a baby.  I certainly never thought I'd be one that tries for a year and spends so much time and money on my efforts, but that's what happened.  I sometimes am sad over this, but right now I feel like it's opened my eyes to how much I really do want children after years of putting off having them and feeling sorry for people who did.  I was silly, but I was young.  I was not one of those little girls who always imagined being a mommy.  I rarely played house, and when I did, I didn't try to fight for mommy rights.  I would have been happy being the dog.  But strangely, when Matt mentioned to me last summer out of the blue that he thought he'd want children after his first deployment (which was supposed to be this past January), something inside of me was really excited.  That was unexpected.  So, when we found out his deployment was cancelled, we thought we'd go ahead and get to work on those 3 kids he eventually wants.  Good thing we did, since it looks like we may be at it a while.  However, it's given him (and me)  a chance to really think about how having children will change our lives, and I think he will be a better father because of it.  I think I'll definitely be a better mother because of it.  For now, I have peace that I will be a mother - it just might not be on my timeline.  I just have to keep praying for patience and enjoying my life as it is right now.