Well, since I haven't posted since last "cycle" (if you're wondering what I mean by "cycle", you should probably skip this blog entry), and I was writing about how I might feel if and when a new cycle started, I'll say that I'm feeling just fine. I had hoped that the HSG would be my golden ticket, but I knew it wasn't magic, so I didn't pin my hopes on it. Sure, I was disappointed that we had to start yet again on this seemingly never ending science experiment called conception, but I'm still feeling like I can deal right now. I've got an appointment to hopefully get started on some fertility meds, and I think it's good timing. This cycle makes a year of us trying, and considering everything is A-OK other than my shitty immune system (or is it an overachieving immune system, since it's trying to treat my thyroid as an invader), I think it's time to give fertility meds a try. Since the OBs here are all apparently busy delivering the babies of the 800 pregnant women in my neighborhood, I couldn't get in until the end of the month, so it will probably be cycle 14 before we can give it a shot, but whatever. I feel ok about that, too. It does still feel a little bit like someone kicked me in the stomach when I see pregnancy announcements on Facebook, but I also get a little flitter in my heart as well. I guess that's because I am a tiny bit scared I won't ever get to give the same announcement, but there is no way to know, so no sense in worrying about it, I suppose.
In news unrelated to babies and life's silly irony, I am trying to start meal planning and including mainly whole foods in those meals. This has gotten off to a good start except that Matt is not pleased when I try to make changes like these. He caught me making zucchini brownies, and didn't approve. I had told him I was making brownies and had thought he wouldn't notice they weren't "regular" brownies. Unfortunately, he walked in as I was mixing the chopped up zucchini into the batter, and said, "What the hell?! You put that shit in our brownies!?" Needless to say, he wouldn't eat them, so that was a waste. If only I was able to eat a whole box of Little Debbies and have no body fat like my lucky, lucky husband...
Darnit you were busted! I bet Matt wouldn't have ever noticed had he not walked in. Don't you hate that? I made my Matt some black bean brownies I found on the Whole Foods blog and he had no clue they were flour free and made from black beans!
ReplyDeleteGlad you are opening your mind to taking a closer look at what's going on. I know it's not easy to come to terms with the fact of maybe needing a little extra help when you are doing so much to do everything right on your own.
Black bean brownies are also on my list of things to try. I hear they are better cold than hot. What do you think?
DeleteYes, they are better cold from the fridge. They are kind of fudgy in texture, but very rich. Store them in the fridge and eat them with a fork or with ice cream. Yum!
DeleteThat one year mark can be really tough. I think that's what hit me so bad last month. I suddenly realized that I was flashing back to a year ago and here I am still trying for a baby, still doing xyz, and meanwhile my life stopped and wasn't moving forward. I'm aging by the minutes and FB is a flood of BFPs. Just gets so hard sometimes. However, I am glad you are in a good place and I am too. I think it's going to happen for you and I know you'll have the chance before too long to announce your BFP and start planning for YOUR baby. I totally get the fear that it won't happen, but it WILL happen Farra. You are going to be a mom! You are!
ReplyDeleteToo bad Matt caught you with the zucchinis. I'd totally try again just maybe when he's out or something. *hugs* Good for you for trying to get healthy, but you look pretty damn good!
Thanks, Amber. I actually thought I'd be more upset about hitting the year mark, but honestly, I think I'd already "mourned" it.
DeleteI brought the brownies to a friend's house for girls night, but when we put them in the microwave (just on a napkin), they caused the microwave to spark! WTH?! And thank you for saying I look good. I don't feel that way, but it helps to keep me focused on loving myself when I hear things like that. But while we're on the topic of looks, your new Facebook picture is GORGEOUS. You are one pretty lady.