Swing Low

   That is what my mood has done.  Swung into a serious low.  I know these ups and downs are normal to people trying to conceive, but this low is a new level with more emotions than I have experienced with previous lows.  I can't remember the last time I felt so helpless and broken down.  I cried myself to sleep last night and woke up to resume more crying.  I'm exhausted from crying and can't sleep.  I think the last time I felt like this was when Matt and I almost broke off our engagement.    It just isn't a feeling I can imagine living with, and that's what scares me most.  When will this pain be over?  Why, after the trials I've already come through in life, do I have to face this one?   Isn't enough enough??  I am always trying to see what God is trying to teach me or improve in me through  trials like this, and it has not been easy, but one thing has really stood out to me the past week.  Matt really is my partner in this.  He may not always say the right thing or anything at all, he may act as if he doesn't even like children despite the fact that we've been trying to make one for over a year, and he may seem detached from what I'm going through, but through this experience, he has learned when I need saving and he can see the white flag before I've waved it.
     I came home from a party last night where a friend announced she is 15 weeks pregnant.  Because this group of friends lives so close and get together on at least a biweekly basis, everyone was blown away and with one of the girls having a new born and another one in her third trimester, the conversation continuously made its way back to babies and pregnancy, and I felt like the only way I could hold it together was to shut down.  I honestly don't remember anything that was said after a certain point.  I came home and ran to Matt's office, sat on the floor, and let loose all the tears that had been trying to push their way out at the party.  When I told him what had happened, he asked why I hadn't called him to come pick me up (even though the party was literally one street over from our house).  He sat in front of me and just listened as I spilled my guts about all of the emotions I'm feeling.  Did she keep it a secret because of me?  Was everyone secretly pitying me and talking about it after I left?  Didn't they know how painful it was to talk about pregnancy and babies so much when they all know we've been struggling?  Why am I so selfish that I couldn't just put on a happy face and join in on the baby talk?  Why can't I be "normal" in just one area of my life?  What's wrong with me?  What if we never have children and I have to endure things like this forever?  What if he could have kids with someone else, and I'm robbing him of that?  Matt just reassured me and let me sob into his shoulder.  He asked if there was anything he could do to make me feel any better and told me that he'll do whatever it takes on his part to make this happen and that lots of people have the same problems.  That nothing is "wrong" with me.  I couldn't stop crying, though.  So, we went to bed with me still crying, and my sweet husband held me really tightly and regularly woke up to kiss me on the cheek or squeeze me.  Do I feel better?  Not really.  But do I feel less alone?  Definitely.