In the past year, I've gained about 30 pounds while my thyroid was ignored by my doctor and while I felt like I shouldn't work out hard because of the possibility of messing up my hormones or adrenals or preventing implantation of an embryo. I'm at the point where I just want to focus on eating healthier and getting some exercise for ME. Just to feel good. Yes, I hope it results in weight loss, but I have spent the past year feeling like my body is failing me, and I just want to find a way to feel like I can encourage myself to love it anyway and treat it the best that I can. I know I'm not going to make any extreme changes in a month, so this break may go on for longer. We'll see how I feel.
Before I take this mental health break, I do feel like I need to allow myself to mourn a few things:
1) I have had the shortest luteal phase (sorry if there are non-TTCers out there who are wondering what the hell?) ever this cycle even though I'm taking supplements that appeared to make it longer last month. So, basically, I am going backwards.
2) Though I never wanted to admit it aloud, I really had hoped for a Cancer baby. I don't live my life around astrology, but I'm a Cancer as is my nephew, and he and I have a stronger bond than any of my other nieces or nephews. I just get him, and I guess I hoped I'd feel that way about my own child.
3) Since this is my third (or fourth) cycle since getting my thyroid regulated, I have to accept that it is likely not my thyroid that has kept us from conceiving. It could be nothing or it could be something, but I feel like I'm left without answers.
So, even though I woke up to the surprise of CD1 (which will no longer be referred to as such this month), I went to the gym and took out my frustration on the treadmill...and then the weights. And it felt good. While I had my Ipad on shuffle (yes, I brought that giant thing with me on the treadmill), this song came on that has gotten me through a lot of rough patches in my life. I thought I'd share it, since I know many of you who read my blog are also going through your own struggles. I know He hasn't given me more than I can handle even if it sometimes feels like it.
Farra, what a great song! Thank you for sharing. I recently passed the one year mark July 1st and I know how hard that was. Yes, I had a dx before one year, but it really just hit home that I am absolutely repeating the cycle and that's why I had some issues with it recently. I came out of it though and I'm plunging forward, but it was really hard. I think you def need to take time to take care of yourself and do things for you and take a break from all of this. It's been very frustrating and it's taken a lot from you, because every day has been spent focusing on this and it's one year later without any result for it. I am just so, so sorry. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteEverybody needs a break from time to time, and sounds like you have reached a point where one is due. There's nothing wrong with that! You've got to love yourself before you can truly give your all to anyone else, so maybe this will be a blessing in disguise.
ReplyDeleteYou still have time, and if getting where you would like to be physically will make you happier in the long run, I think you are definitely doing the right thing. Please let us know how it's going along the way!
Thanks, ladies! I will still keep up with your blogs and I'll continue to update mine from time to time. I really appreciate the kind words and support. Wishing you both BFPs ASAP!
ReplyDeleteHey Farra, beautiful song, thanks for sharing. I'm sorry that you're feeling so defeated, but I think that you have the right idea. IMO, focusing on YOU is always a good thing and I think that more of us should do that. When you're focusing on yourself (rather than some desired outcome) it's harder to feel neglected and defeated because you've been taking care of yourself all along. The one year mark stings, and I'm hoping that quickly passes for you. As for your luteal phase, try not to get too discouraged. I know that's easier said than done, but I just want you to remember that our cycles can vary and it doesn't necessarily mean you're going backwards. I'm sure that's how it feels sometimes though. Anyway.. good for you for taking the time out to take care of yourself. Big hugs to you!
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