Big Girls Don't Cry...Except for Me.

    I'm going to start this blog post off with some positive things.  First, I've been eating only whole, unprocessed food (plus 1 gluten free, dairy free snickerdoodle cookie if we're being honest) for almost a week.  I've also decided to experiment with cutting out dairy during this time.  This is HARD for me, because I am not that into meat, so my main sources of protein are often cheese and Greek yogurt.  It is mostly to see if my skin will clear up some.  I was allergic to dairy as a baby, and seemed to grow out of it, but you never know, I guess.  Anyway, I am also SOOOO proud of myself, because I woke up at 6:45am to do my Physique 57 workout before my OB appointment.  In case you don't know me and my sleeping habits, I am NOT a morning person in any way, shape, or form.  In fact, one of the biggest reasons we didn't start trying for babies before we did is because Matt and I are dedicated to sleeping.  We take it seriously, and we do it well.  I have to admit that I wasn't able to do it with quite as much intensity as usual, since any time before 9am pretty much makes me want to throw up, but I did it.  Now I just hope I can keep up with this healthy eating and exercise when Matt comes back.

   Now that you're possibly proud of me, I'm going to give you the bad news about me.  I had an OB appointment today to discuss trying Femara. The OB I was originally going to see had a million year long wait for new patients, so I agreed to see another doctor in the same practice.  Well, I was screwed from the moment they took me back, because when things don't go as expected, I have a tendency to panic inside.  Then that panic seeps to the outside, making me look insane.  First, I had decided I'd ask them not to weigh me, since that is not a valid indicator of health.  I had my bloodwork results with me that showed that I have low cholesterol, normal blood sugar and insulin, and pretty much normal everything else.  Well, when I asked the nurse if we could skip the scale because I am trying not to focus on a number, but just trying to get healthier, she insisted and told me I could just be weighed facing the other way.  Then, she takes my blood pressure and says as she is putting the cuff on, "So, you're trying to get pregnant?  How exciting, right?"  Well, guess who's blood pressure was through the roof!  It's NEVER high.  So, I shrugged, and she said, "It's not exciting?"  I said, "Not really.  It's taking forever, so the excitement is pretty much gone."  Of course, she tells me that probably when I stop focusing on it, it will happen.  Kill me.

Now, I'm basically depressed and annoyed.  Well, the doctor comes in five seconds later, and is really sweet and asks what I'd like to talk about with her.  I start telling her that we've been trying for a year now, have seen an RE, are unexplained, and that my RE's recommendation was injectables and IUI, but that I'm not ready for that.  She says, "Well, that's great that there doesn't appear to be any problem, and lots of women go on to get pregnant naturally after trying for over a year.  You're young and you have time, so that's good news."  Well, I just feel defeated and start crying.  She's nice enough to pretend that I'm not a complete loon and gives me a box of tissues and tells me that she knows it can be frustrating and emotional.  She says that if I want to try Clomid, she'll be happy to prescribe it for me and monitor me.  I tell her that I would rather try Femara if she's open to that.  She says that she isn't familiar enough with administering Femara, but we talk and I explain that the other doctor had said that she didn't have a problem prescribing it, so she says she has no problem referring me to that doctor if I'd prefer Femara. For some reason, I can't pull myself together, though, so she tells me to take my time and just go to the front whenever I'm ready.  Awesome.  I'm the most embarrassing person on earth.  So, I have another appointment two days from now, and I am terrified that I am going to cry.  I feel like doctors don't take patients seriously who are emotional, and I am scared I'm going to come off as completely unhinged.  I really am fine with taking a break this month, and am even considering not using the Femara for another month after this one even if I get it this week, so why am I opening the flood gates on my doctor??   Maybe because all the magazines in the waiting room were pregnancy and parenting related.  Maybe because my best friend had her baby two days ago, and I'm trying to deal with the fact that doing everything "right" hasn't gotten me the same result.  Maybe because there is no "safe" place I can go.  Here, my friends and neighbors are all pregnant.  At "home", my brother in law's girlfriend is about to have their baby.  The first grandchild and great grandchild for his family.  Another first I'll never have, since as the 6th child in my family, the only first I've accomplished is not being able to get pregnant at the drop of a hat...or my panties, more accurately. If only I could learn to do crack and sleep with losers....I'd have 10 babies by now.  .