The Meanest Trick Ever Played

*  I had started another blog when I got pregnant to document that journey, but I am copying my post from that blog here today since I am going to be coming back to the Infertility Party.

My visit to the "other side" was not meant to be permanent, I guess.  Maybe that's why I never felt I "belonged"...because maybe in my heart I knew I wouldn't get to stay.  It's normal to have worries, but I do think there was a part of me deep down that had a feeling this wasn't a take home baby. 

   Yesterday, at an ultrasound I begged my OB to schedule because I was feeling uncertain, they couldn't find a heartbeat.  The baby somehow only measured 5.5 weeks, and they told me to prepare myself for a miscarriage unless I wanted to go ahead with a D&C.  I told them I had plans to go home to see my family for Christmas.  That I haven't seen my dad or most of my sisters or grandparents in a year.  They said that they didn't recommend traveling while waiting for the miscarriage to happen, since I might need medical attention.  At that time, I wasn't ready to accept what was happening and thought that I wouldn't need a D&C.  I had gone to that appointment alone, because I didn't want my husband to miss anymore work for my ultrasound appointments when we'd surely have plenty more.  So, I left there sobbing uncontrollably in front of everyone in the whole hospital (because, of course, they don't make access to that office easy.

    I went home and called my RE. because I thought that surely their ultrasound tech was incompetent.  There had been a heartbeat two days ago.  Why wouldn't there be still?  He had me come in this morning, and after messing with the wand for a few minutes, he said, "I'm sorry, honey.  I'm not seeing a heartbeat today. So, we need to discuss your options."  My options to get rid of this baby that I have been waiting for for so long.  I am so torn.  One part of me wants to hold out hope and think they were wrong.  Another part of me wants to do the D&C as soon as possible so that I can stop feeling pregnant and knowing that my baby isn't alive. I go from feeling numb to feeling like my heart is going to explode.  I feel totally robbed, and I feel like God is really pushing my faith.  I can't even try to understand his plan, but right now I wish it hadn't involved giving me a baby that I can't keep and losing it so close to Christmas. 

   On the way to my ultrasound yesterday, a song that I found appropriate came on the radio and I sang to my baby, because it occurred to me that it might be the only time I ever would get to.  I know at that point, he or she was probably already gone, but I like to think I was heard.