I hate you, hormones.

    Today is the last day for me to take my progesterone unless I get a BFP, and while I'm not surprised, I am more upset than I thought I'd be with the BFNs I got yesterday and today.  I think part of the reason it's so hard this time is that this months makes two years that we've been trying to have a freaking baby.  Yes, some people try a lot longer, but you know what?  I have no idea if that will eventually be me, too.  I try not to have too much hope, because it hurts a lot more when I do, but this cycle, I let a little creep in, and it kept me crying all day and all night yesterday when I realized it was for nothing.  I'm not even sure the progesterone worked.  By 7dpo, I had sore boobs  like I do on all the cycles where my hormones are screwed up.  At this point, I wish I could just stop the progesterone and move on.  I'm obviously not pregnant, so why put off our next chance any longer?  Well, I'd like to have that attitude and do what I want, but NaPro says that your progesterone in one cycle can set the stage for the next, and I sure as hell need next cycle to be better, so I will take this progesterone today.  

    It's funny how your emotions can change so much from one part of a cycle to the next.  At the beginning, I told myself, "Most people wouldn't even be able to try this cycle.  Don't expect anything to come of it."  I focused on getting back into a workout routine and eating "clean", and I felt good.  Then as soon as the sore boobs hit, I knew there was no hope, and I crashed.  I ate junk, I numbed my mind with Netflix all day yesterday, and I cried myself to sleep.  I hate feeling so pathetic, and am going to try to pull myself out of that today, but sometimes I have to just let myself feel how I feel - which is seriously crappy.  I'm just so tired right now.  Tired of having my whole life up in the air.  I don't know if we're going to ever have a baby or if I should just forget it, don't know where we're going to live in a year, don't know if we could move before that.  Tired of pregnant women everywhere and babies cooing at me at the store and pictures of people's new babies on Facebook when I should be posting mine.  Tired of the responsibility of doctors appointments, blood draws, charting, and supplements.  Tired of seeing one issue get better while another one appears.  Tired of trying to heal all my issues.  Will I keep it up?  Of course.  But I wish I didn't have to.  Again, I know there are those who are doing much more advanced stuff that involves a lot more than I'm doing, but it's all exhausting, it all sucks, and we all feel the "will it be worth it this time?" feelings with every freaking step we take in TTC.