Back in the Saddle

  Last time I blogged we were in the process of buying our first home, and now we have been home owners for 4 months!  It's been...interesting.  Mostly good, though, and I have been busting my ass working on about a million projects.  And then redoing those projects because I didn't do them right the first time.  M and I started counseling shortly after moving here so that we can get back to who we used to be before 3+ years of TTC and miscarriages and all that comes with those things caused us to forget how much fun we can have even if it's just the two of us forever.  We ended up doing the DNA frag test right before Christmas, and of course the results came back about 5 days earlier than we'd expected - on the anniversary of our first miscarriage.  I knew that no matter what the results were, I'd be upset.  If they were bad, then obviously, that would be a huge hurdle.  If they were good, we wouldn't have any answers.  Well, they were not only good, they were excellent.  I cried.  We were obviously both relieved, but to me, it was like opening up a wound I had hoped was on its way to healing.  I'd been making peace with not having children since the statics show such a low success rate for couples with DNA fragmentation even with ICSI.  In counseling, I'd agreed to try IUI again if DNA fragmentation wasn't a problem, and now, on the anniversary of the day I'd found out our first baby had died, I have to face being open to that happening for a third time.  That was kind of where that peace I'd had started to dissipate.

Last week, we had an appointment with a urologist here, and I was feeling hopeful after hearing rave reviews about his ability to diagnose and treat male fertility issues.  As it tends to go, we didn't get to see that doctor. We saw his PA.  She did another physical exam and ordered the same tests he's had plus chromosome testing.  Of course, the lab couldn't do that the day we were there, so he'll do that the first week of Feb.  After we've finally had all those tests done, we'll see the real doctor (or I'll shove my medical record up someone's ass) to discuss the results and the next steps.  We'd planned to get a referral for IUI at the military facility here, but the PA couldn't put in referrals, so we get to do more waiting.  I was upset at first, since once I put my "emotional armor" on, I really don't want to have to keep it on that long, but I'm going to look at this as an opportunity to get more things done on the house while I don't have any restrictions.

I hope to have pictures to share as I finish projects in the house, but you can also check my other blog for DIY projects I will be posting if you're into that sort of thing.  manyameltdown.blogspot.com

Checking In

    Man!  I have really neglected the blog for a while.  It's been a chaotic couple of months, and it could be a while before that chaos turns back into normalcy.  There's a lot going on.  We moved out of CA, visited home, went to our new duty station to house hunt, started the home buying process, and then I headed back home while we wait to close on the house.  I expected to have lots of time to work and relax at home, but my time has been filled with phone calls, emails, and texts from the realtor and loan officer, signing and revising contracts, and calling lots of different people to give them my credit card number so that they can charge me for this inspection and that appraisal and what not.  In the end, if we finally own the house, it will be worth it.  We are really excited about our first house, and I am making a list of projects to keep me busy once we move in.

   I realized I didn't update after our urologist appointment.  We did have our consult with him, but it was a huge disappointment.  He seemed compassionate and interested until he realized we'd had two pregnancies, and then like so many others, he seemed to want to believe it has to be an issue with me, despite the fact the DNA fragmentation can cause repeat miscarriage.  I explained that we have not done the DNA fragmentation testing yet, because he does have a varicocele, and all the info I've read about DNA fragmentation claims that if there is a varicocele, you can bet your ass there is a good bit of DNA fragmentation.  In our opinion, there was no sense in paying $500 for a test that we already feel confident we know the answer to.  Especially since his motility and morph have been impaired from the start.  Anyway, the urologist said his varicocele is subclinical and surgery would not be indicated, and he suggested that he take supplements and we keep trying IUI, since he was surprised our first one worked.  Gee, thanks.  I'd love to just keep trying the same thing forever.  So, I did a lot of crying at that appointment and left there totally defeated.  As soon as we got home that day, I did some quick research and immediately found a study in which a higher percentage of men with subclinical varicoceles than clinical varicoceles showed increased fertility after surgery.  However, it seems that most doctors won't operate for a subclinical one according to the rest of my research.  So, I decided I'm ready to just hang it up and make peace with being childless, but DH isn't at that point, so we will be seeking a second opinion now that we are in a new place.  While it's hard at times to wrap my head around the idea of NEVER having a child, it's also brought me a sense of peace to know that I don't have to hold out hope every month.  The chances of a healthy pregnancy in our current situation are incredibly slim.  I know there are exceptions, but it's nice not to wonder and hope and be crushed every. single. month.  I'm focusing on being grateful for the good things that come with NOT having children, and pregnancy announcements don't sting quite like they used to.  I know things can change, but for now, all I can do is focus on the present and learn to be happy as it is.

If You Want to Keep Following My Blog..

I found a way to make my current blog readable to only the people I allow, but I will need whatever email address you use to sign into blogger.  I will also be starting a new blog to get back to what my blog used to be about - LIFE!  The new blog will have the same name, but it will be found at basketdogblog.blogspot.com.  It has the same title, because I'm attached to it and not creative enough.  Please comment with your email address if you want me to add you as an "allowed reader" and don't have an email address listed on your blog!

New Beginnings

      Fellow IF bloggers/readers, I think we FINALLY have our missing If puzzle piece.  DH's ultrasound showed that he has a varicocele, a spermatocele, and "multiple small calcifications".  From what my former RE said and what I've read, if he has a varicocele, super low motility, and low morph, there's a  very good chance he's got high DNA fragmentation, which can contribute to infertility and miscarriage.  This makes a LOT of sense to me.  I've had two of the doctors that were the most focused on actually finding the problem rather than trying to bypass it tell me that they were honestly surprised that we were having trouble when my issues seemed minor and had been so thoroughly addressed.  When progesterone, neupogen, and good thyroid levels didn't save this last pregnancy, I suspected that maybe we were dealing with an unhealthy embryo.  DH has a referral to a urologist, so we'll see what he says, but we will continue to take some time off from TTC.  DH is taking it well and is open to surgery, although it will be more for his health than fertility since I'm not sure I want to have kids anymore.  I know I can always change my mind, but for now, I will focus on being content as we are and enjoying what we DO have.  

 

Gratitude and Surrender

   The morning I got the bad news that my hcg hadn't doubled, I somehow knew that news was coming even though I didn't get a call until late in the afternoon.  I prayed all day for peace to accept the outcome and for God to open my heart to whatever path I should take from there.  I have never forgotten that last time, I prayed so hard for God to let me keep my baby, and he didn't.  I didn't want to be angry with Him this time.  I didn't want to ask why He didn't answer my prayers.  So, instead I prayed that He'd just be gentle with my heart rather than asking Him to step in and change nature.  And this time, He came through for me.  The day I got the news was awful.  I did a lot of crying.  Still, every day has been a little easier than the one before, and I can think about this baby and not start sobbing.  Mother's Day came and went without any major meltdowns.  And strangely, I feel my heart changing, and I'm grateful.

   The past few days, I've been thinking back to when Matt and I had been dating for a little while and started discussing marriage and children.  I had told him that I wasn't sure I wanted kids, and he said that he did.  Besides the fact that I didn't really like most kids, I was afraid of loving anyone more than I love him.  When people talk about their love for their kids, they often talk about how it is greater than the love they have for their spouse.  At that time, and even a little still, I am afraid to love anyone more than I love Matt.  There is too much to lose when you love someone that much.  And now I've lost two babies, and even in the very short time I carried them, the pain of losing them was like nothing I'd felt before.  I think back to the days before we were ready for babies and how I had hobbies and interests and didn't feel sick to my stomach when I heard pregnancy announcements or saw ultrasound pictures.  When I had time and energy to put into things other than doctor's appointments and research and charting.  I was happy.  I didn't have a baby, but I was happy, because it just being the two of us was all I knew.  Lately, I've been thinking that maybe I'd rather it just be the two of us.  (Plus our furbabies, of course.) I feel like none of this is within my control, and I doubt we'll ever prevent, since we are certainly open to babies, but maybe it's time to just let God and nature do what they are going to do and for me to stop trying to control it.  We may never have answers, we may never have children, we may suffer more miscarriages, but I don't want to live my life trying to figure out how to force an outcome.  I'll be 30 in two months from today, and I am truly sad that I've spent almost 3 years seeking answers, hating my body, being sad, and wishing for something I never got.  I think it may be time to live my life and let go of the TTC reigns.  I know I can always change my mind, and I'll always be open to more actively trying if I'm lead to do so, but for now, I just want to be happy in the present.  I have a lot to be grateful for in my life, and while I had hoped to hold those babies in my arms and keep them here with me, they are safest right where they are, and I will see them again one day.

Deja Vu

     I was shocked to find out at 10dpiui that our disaster IUI had worked.  I had a good feeling about this one.  I thought that surely now that everything was sorted out with my thyroid, I was on the correct form of B vitamins, I was already taking progesterone, and I had restarted my Neupogen injections that this pregnancy was going to be the one.  I even had implantation within the "normal" window this time for me to get a positive test when I did.  So, then why am I sitting here waiting for my NaPro doctor to confirm miscarriage number 2?  Somehow, when I woke up yesterday, I had a bad feeling that it was over, and it looks like I'm probably right.  HCG only went from 148 to 150 from my third to fourth betas, so today we are just waiting for confirmation from a fifth beta that I can stop my progesterone. Why do my pregnancies start out normally with betas doubling in the normal time frame and then they are over all the sudden?  Why did my hcg have to triple the first 48 hours and get my hopes up?  What is wrong here?  Where do I even go from here?  Part of me wants answers and the other part wants to say "screw it" and just stop trying.  I'm so tired of it all.  I'm tired of all the doctors and the research and the poking and prodding.  I'm tired of getting my hopes up just to have my heart broken every year and a half.  I'm tired of wondering if all these obstacles are some kind of sign that this isn't going to happen for us and that I need to change my focus.  DH wants to just keep doing IUI until we "get a good one".  But I don't think my heart can take that.  And it's easier for him since he only has to be there to provide the sperm, so he doesn't understand the toll that constant monitoring takes.  Right now, I just want this to be over if it's over, and I want to punch something, and I want to cry without it giving me a massive headache.  I never thought I'd be here...

IUI #1 (and possibly only)

    Oh man....I'm starting to think that either God wants to really test my determination or that IUI was not the right path for us.  We did a Femara/IUI cycle, and planned to use a trigger since I was afraid of LUFS, but this cycle was full of unpleasant surprises.  I went in for my first follicle scan on CD10 to find that I had TEN follicles between 10-14mm (at least four were 14mm).  So, I worried that I'd end up having to cancel unless at least half of those dropped out of the race.  I went back two days later and had two 20mm follicles and one 14mm, but my lining was a little thinner than normal and OPKs were still negative, so the RE thought we should give it one more day before we triggered.   However, we underestimated my enthusiastic ovaries, and I got a positive OPK that night.  I went in the next day planning to do another u/s and trigger, and SURPRISE - one of my follicles had already ovulated. Less than 12 hours after my first positive OPK.  The other two hadn't grown any. They asked if DH could come in that day for IUI, but because he'd been gone so much and already had over 7 days of abstinence, we had decided to have sex the night before in order to get rid of any "old" sperm since we thought IUI would be 36 hours later.  So, they agreed that less than a 12 hour hold was not going to be good, and they thought I'd still ovulate from the other follicle.  We went in this morning, and the other mature follicle had indeed released, so we decided to just go ahead with the IUI, since we'd already scrambled to make this cycle happen.  Then we find out that DH's motility was in the tank.  At this point, I feel like it's safe to say that with 4 SA's and none of them being over 50% motility and two of them being under 25%, we've got MFI.  But why on God's green earth won't any of these doctors address this with DH?  Only my NaPro doctor suggested that was our main issue, but DH wasn't there to hear it, and when he had his follow up SA three months after (when he'd been on supplements) and it was right at 50%, they said all was normal, so he has acted llike I'm asking him to take supplements and do testing unnecessarily.  Anyway.....We ended up doing the IUI with one stupid ass follicle that had already ovulated sometime in the last 24 hours and 5mil motile sperm.  So, let's just say that I will not be placing any bets on this cycle's success.  I was a mess yesterday and couldn't stop crying.  Today, I prepared myself that with our luck, I shouldn't be surprised if we didn't even get to do the IUI.  So, even though we are working with the minimum number of follicles and sperm required for IUI, I feel ok about the fact that at least we did it.  Could it work?  Sure.  But so could sex, and that hasn't worked 29 out of 30 cycles, so I am not holding my breath.  So, this has likely been an expensive experiment for us, but at least we know that we have some work to do before we do anymore IUI's.  We know supplements have helped before, so he needs to stick with them before I put my body through anymore medicated cycles.