It's Hard to Dance with a Devil on Your Back

   It's beginning to get a little easier every day, as people said it would, and I'm grateful for that.  I still have times where it will hit me out of nowhere, and I'll cry, but I think that's normal when you have lost someone you love - even if that someone was just a tiny fetus.  Maybe those moments aren't completely out of nowhere.  They usually come on after hearing certain songs or seeing that new Huggies commercial where the woman goes screaming to her husband that she's pregnant, and they jump up and down and hug in excitement.  I had one of these moments last night, and it was brought on by an OPK.  I had what felt like ovulation pain yesterday, and I wtas kind of freaked out, because I'm not tracking or "trying" right now, but I knew that was really early for me.  Since I have a giant bag of Wondfo OPKs hanging around, I figured I'd see if I could see what was up.  Well, it was negative but had the faintest second line, and I automatically flashed back to the last time I saw a faint second line and how I'd felt that day.  Then, of course, my mind went to that awful day when I sat crying by myself in an ultrasound room after being told there was no longer any cardiac activity.  I felt sad, but I shook the memory away, and reminded myself of how far I've come since then.  I've done a lot of emotional healing, and I'm on my way to healing my body.  Those are both very good things.  Until very recently, I have been really afraid to ever be pregnant again.  I can't say that I'm not going to have an ounce of worry if and when it happens again, but I realized that I can't live in fear that way.  I know that a loss can happen at anytime, and there are no guarantees.  Whether that loss is a fetus, a baby, or an older child, it can happen, and it isn't in our control.  It's scary to give in to that thought, but if I don't, how will I get through life without constantly giving myself ulcers?  So, some lyrics to some songs kind of spoke to me yesterday, which inspired these thoughts and this post, so I'll share them in case they might speak to anyone else.

"And I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't
So here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my road
And I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hope
It's a shot in the dark aimed right at my throat
'Cause looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Well what the hell I'm gonna let it happen to me"  - Florence and the Machine, "Shake it Out"

"But just because it burns
Doesn't mean you're gonna die
You've gotta get up and try, and try, and try" - Pink, "Try"  (I can't stand Pink, but these lyrics remind me of all the times I have been strong enough to pick myself back up after something I didn't think I could make it through)

"I will be brave

I will not let anything take away
What's standing in front of me
Every breath
Every hour has come to this

One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you

Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more"   - Christina Perri, "A Thousand Years" (I posted this video before, but these specific lyrics are what makes it so meaningful to me.)