Before this year, nothing made me more excited than going home to Mississippi for Christmas. Unfortunately, this year was different. It was a suckfest with small moments of numbness or distraction. First and most obviously, I had planned to go home pregnant, which didn't happen. Three days before we left on our 30ish hour car ride home to MS, I had a D&C. It went fine, and I was given the ok to travel. Unfortunately, by the second day of our trip, I felt like someone had beaten me in the lower back with a baseball bat. By the time we got to my mom's where we were staying, I started having full on bleeding and cramping that required my first night and the following day to be spent in bed with lots of Advil (I hadn't filled my prescriptions since I had felt perfectly fine before we left) and two heating pads. The pain and bleeding eased up, and I tried to finally do my Christmas shopping - two days before Christmas. Apparently, walking around all day was too much, and that night the pain and bleeding was back with a vengeance, which was scary. The nurse had said when I called after the first episode that that was normal with increased activity at that point and to just take it easy, but this was just crazy.
I knew that while I was home, I'd have to face two new babies. One being Matt's brother's and one being my best friend's. I successfully met each and even held them without crying, but I wasn't so successful with keeping my composure once I was alone with Matt or with my mom. My mom had explained to my grandparents and to my step dad's mom and sister that I was going to need some emotional recovery time and to please not bring it up at our Christmas Eve get together. However, my grandma started crying when she saw me, and then my step dad's sister said, "I'm sorry for your loss. You have one up on me, though! I could never get pregnant at all." While I can say that I've experienced the worries of not knowing if I"ll ever be pregnant and feel like having it happen lessened my fear a teeny tiny amount, I'd in no way say that a missed miscarriage is much of a victory.
Finally, our journey back to CA felt like salt in the wound. Our dog who never pees anywhere but outside peed in the car only 3.5 hours into the trip, I got super nauseated, and when we were 200 miles from where we planned to stop for the night, we got stuck in a snow storm. In southwest Texas. The interstate and all major roads closed, so we were forced to stop for the night. After calling around for an hour to the few hotels in the area, Matt said that we should go find a place to park that was safe so we could get some sleep. Uh, what? Sleep in the car in a strange city with two dogs? So, I had a major meltdown. I cried hysterically. He thought I was being irrational, but I didn't care. What the fuck did I do to deserve all the ridiculous trials in my life? It wasn't just about having to sleep one night in a car. I know it could have been much worse, of course. It was just that it was beginning to seem like God was picking on me. Finally, as we drove by a place we'd already called, we saw that their vacancy light was on. Matt ran in and they said they'd just had a cancellation. So, I was saved from sleeping in the car at least.
The next day, we were told the roads would remained closed until the following day, so we booked a room at the same place. We checked in, and 30 minutes later, we found out the roads had been reopened. No refund for us, but whatever. We finally made it back to CA, and I was met with a flat tire on my car that had been left in the driveway and a stack of medical bills for my pregnancy and D&C. Sigh.... I really need things to turn around, but I needed to first get all the venting out that I could so I could move on and find a new focus and some positivity. I am not sure we'll try again now or at all, because I've come to realize that I have no control in this process or any other. I'll get a healthy baby when I get one. Not when I want one. Not when I do everything right. Not when the odds or in my favor. That's for a different blog and a different time, though.
Okay, I started typing a response on my phone and the stupid thing glitched and I lost it. So, I'm on my PC now.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, I want to give you a big, giant hug for the holiday from hell you had to endure. I had so hoped you getting away and seeing family for a bit would give you a much needed break and would maybe enable you to come back and slowly be ready to try again or at least feel better inside after all you've been through.
While I've never conceived, I just can't imagine doing all that you've done and I've done, getting a BFP, and then having this happen. I just can't imagine the pain of it all in the depths of your soul. You're a strong amazing woman for even being able to get up every day and go through it.
I know right now it hurts too bad to think about doing all of this again and going through everything again, however, I think one day you will be ready. You will be past the pain enough to remember that joy you felt at first and ready to find it again. Until then I am here for you to vent, cry, just whatever. I think making some goals and working towards things you can't control that have nothing to do with TTC can help. I know I'm at least trying to do that for me and not trying to make the baby thing a goal, 'cause we really have no power over that at all.
I don't know if I'm saying the right thing or making it worse, but please know that I care about you very much! I really am here for you. *hugs*
You always say the right thing if there is a right thing, Amber :) I did enjoy being home, because it provided me with some comforts and distraction, and my mom really is awesome when it comes to taking care of me when I'm sick or going through something like this. I really do have mixed feelings about trying again. I think about it a lot, but I am not sure if it's just because I am just not sure now to "not try" anymore. Even if I was ready to really try, I am scared because I don't know where to start. I don't know what was causing our problems exactly, so I just don't know what direction we'd take. I guess time will tell. Thanks for all the encouragement you always give me and for the virtual hugs. I really don't know how I'd deal with any of this journey without the support of friends like you.
ReplyDeleteI am glad your mom was there for you and I'm hoping now with 2012 gone, maybe the new year can be a much better year. I understand it being hard to start again or know where, after all, you are a diff person than you were the last time you were trying. Not that I can say I honestly know how you feel, I can only empathize with you, but after I realized acupuncture would really not work for me I also felt lost and unsure of where to go. That was the hardest part for me, feeling no matter what I try I am probably screwed and that's if I can afford to try anything. I know that I'm no where near the same person I was at the start of this journey or even the person I was this summer and that left me with a "who am I and what is my next step?"
ReplyDeleteI'm still kinda there, but I know that coming on the forums and talking to people helps me. I feel like I have some direction because others can relate. I see some that are where I am am, some that are beyond what I am, and some that haven't reached me yet, and of course, I hope they never do.
On the good moments or days when you think about what you had for just a bit and feel ready to try for it again, I really do recommend the TTC after M/C board. I feel that you will find people who feel like you do and I bet the support is incredible. I know you were thinking of seeing a RE on your "break" (I use the term loosely) and you got your BFP. I don't think it would hurt to go back to the RE and get testing done just to see, maybe that can give you some answers and help prevent this from ever occurring again. You can go now just for "info" if you are not ready to TTC again, this way when you do feel ready you'll start with some more info.
I hope you don't feel I'm trying to pressure yo or anything like that. I just know that with support it really helps give you a direction and can give you the strength to go again. You have to go at your own pace though and when you feel ready and I really do think you will feel ready. I keep thinking about your post the one with how much you loved your baby already. I'll confess, I read it on the dark days, the days I'm not sure I can go on, I read it and say, it's going to be worth it. A virtual hug is not like a real one, but still, I'm hugging you with everything I have *hugs*. Just please don't keep all of this inside of you, that can destroy you. Even if you don't feel like doing it publicly, then write it down on paper and destroy it or something like that.
Oh wow- what an ordeal. I can definitely see how you felt picked on. And, just a side note: comments like the one about, "well, you have one up on me" make me want to puke. Sometimes I think people think they're helping or saying the right thing, but they just don't think things through when they say them. I'm glad you were able to be with your family, but I'm sorry it was under these circumstances. Feel free to vent all you want and I'm here to listen any time!
ReplyDeleteSo sorry Farrah. What a rough Christmas. You are so strong. I second everything Amber said- I've never experienced what you have and the pain seems insurmountable. You are in my prayers. All this suckiness SUCKS but it will pass and there will be happiness again soon. Big hugs... thinking of you and sending you lots of prayers.
ReplyDeleteOh for the love of God, this sounds horrible! I don't blame you for breaking down crying with your mom or on the ride home. I seriously think you deserve a big fat spa day full of fluffy bathrobes, slippers, and a four handed massage. I know it won't make everything you've gone through go away, but some serious pampering is in order after that nightmare holiday.
ReplyDeleteI know it will take time to heal the wounds, and please vent away. That is what we are here for. You have every right to feel like God's picking on you, but know that it WILL get easier. You WILL get your giggle back.
I think I was in a funk for the entirety of the past 8 weeks solid and am just now getting out of my funk. Take your time, let it out, and allow yourself to feel every feeling that presents itself. I have a feeling you will wake up one day soon and be ready to try again. I know it's so so hard, but we are all here for you. Just don't forget...you are not alone!
I am sending you a HUGE hug. You are SO not alone. I have held many babies happily and then drove home crying to my husband or mom. I truly admire you for getting into a car after a D&C, after mine I didn't get out of bed for a couple of days. I know what it feels like to wonder where God is in all of this and to feel like you are the only one going through such hard times. You are NOT alone. The trials absolutely suck. I'm sure you have felt like people around you are living happily while you live in pain. Just want time to stop for a minute so you can catch up? I've been there too. I am sending you a big HUGE hug and hope you get a good day coming your way soon!
ReplyDeleteThank you all for the kind words and support. And for validating my feelings and not making me feel silly for feeling so down about all the little stuff surrounding this nightmare. I hate knowing how many people have been through infertility and miscarriages, so I hate to say that I'm glad I'm not alone, but it helps so much to have people that get it.
ReplyDeleteI had my post op appointment, and it went well other than the nurse that said, "We are so sorry for your loss. But have hope. At least you know you can get pregnant, and I bet you feel like you have so much to be thankful for now. My sister in law had a miscarriage recently after trying for six years, and that would be way more detrimental." I just cried. I wanted to say, "No, this miscarriage hasn't made me feel very thankful. Yes, it would be way worse to be in your sister in law's position, but telling me that doesn't take away my pain. Now I'm just sad for your sister in law."
I think I'm going to wait on seeing the RE for a while. I've already done all the testing he wants to do, and the only things we know that could be a problem are borderline low progesterone, hypothyroidism/Hashi's, and low morphology, so I feel like our choices are still the same. TI, Femara and TI, injectables and IUI, or IVF. I like my RE, but I feel like he sees so many people that are in a huge hurry to do treatment that he expects me to be the same. I am just not there anymore, so I don't want to feel pressured to make a decision.
The good news in the past few days is that I've been on the hunt for a doctor to manage my thyroid, but it is impossible to find one that understands the importance of testing free T's and who won't push synthetic thyroid meds on me. I found one, but was scared that he didn't accept my insurance, and with him being an hour and a half away, it would get too expensive. However, when I called, I found that he does accept my insurance, and although he is an MD, he uses a holistic approach and only recommends natural thyroid meds and doses based on symptoms and free T's rather than just TSH! YES!! Praise the Lord. Now please let him live up to my high hopes.
I think taking it slow is a good idea. You are on no one's timetable except your own and having another baby doesn't replace the one you lost. You had visions, dreams, and hopes with this pregnancy you've suffered a loss of that baby. You need time to grieve and heal before moving forward and I'm glad you see that and are taking time for it. I wanna smack that nurse, btw.
ReplyDeleteOn the Thyroid, yay for finding a good dr! Good luck with your appt and I really hope you like him. *hugs*