October Deja Vu

    I'm having major deja vu.  It's Oct, it's my third cycle since my second HSG, my husband is going to be doing a second SA, and life has just crapped all over my plans for my next step of fertility treatment.  A year ago, all these things were happening, and I got a BFP (technically my BFP happened in Nov, but the stuff leading up to it was Oct).  This year, I just have a feeling that all this won't end in a BFP.  I don't know why.  I'm scared that this time, we're going to need the next step, and we won't be able to do it anytime soon.  Matt and I had agreed that we'd start saving money for the Neupogen injections (since they are about $700-1000 per week), and I had planned to put my whole paychecks for the next few months toward saving for those while we used the money Matt would get from his promotion to pay off other things.  But now, I got an email from the company I work for saying that my work is being reviewed, and in that time, I am not allowed to work.  This may take up to two weeks.  And they often let people go after the review has closed.  I don't understand this at all, because we get feedback on our work every month, and mine was awesome last month.  I even got a bonus!  And now this.  We probably won't be living here much longer, so going out to get another job seems like a bad idea, so I'm just going to use this time off for deep cleaning my house and preparing for a garage sale and saying a lot of prayers.  I know if God has shut this door, then I'm either going to have to find what door He's opened  instead or wait until this one opens again.  Or maybe both.

   I've been pretty emotional lately, and I'm sure that besides it being about a year since my first BFP, it's because I'm thinking more and more about how close I should "technically" be to finally conceiving a healthy baby, but I don't know whether any of it will even matter.  My progesterone last cycle was good at 25, my tail end brown bleeding is gone, my thyroid antibodies are inactive, and still, I think sometimes the stars just have to align for a baby to be conceived.  It's only been a little over 2 years that we've been trying, but I have more days where I think that it may not happen.  Other days, I'm sure it will, but there are those that I just don't hold out much hope.

   So, until we can get the Neupogen, the plan is Femara, low dose Naltrexone, Wobenzym N, and my 8,000 supplements.  And a ton of prayers that I can go back to my job (and the sooner the better).